Chaos in Hogwarts
by Mechconstrictor
Summary: Harry has defeated Voldemort and wishes for a peaceful life. Ron and Hermione are fighting too much for his sense of peace, so he takes matters into his own hands. He brings in Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil. Harry/Pansy. No slash. RW/HG and HG/DM
1. Chapter 1

Chaos in Hogwarts

Chapter 1

Beta for this story is Ezra'eil

"Talking"- speaking  
_"Talking"_- thoughts

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other character in this story. The plot is mine and only mine.

This story is the reason my others have not been updated. I wanted to finish this one. This story is in response to a challenge on WCIII. There is a section of this story that can not be found here. If you want to read it, go to where it says Read and review my stories. I don't think it would warrant a complaint but I don't want to take the chance of my account getting deleted for offending someone. I will have the whole story there.

Summary: Harry has defeated Voldemort and wishes for nothing more than to live his life in peace. Ron and Hermione are fighting too much for his sense of peace, so he takes matters into his own hands. He brings in Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil. Harry/Pansy. Ron/Hermione. Hermione/Draco. No slash.

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Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry

Headmasters Office

"You did what!" screamed Hermione. To hell with respect for authority, Dumbledore just booked Jerry Springer to host a show at Hogwarts. "How can you let that man in the castle? The only thing he does is cause more problems then there were before. He is one of the downfalls of the U. S. and you want to bring him here?"

"It was either him or Dr. Phil," Dumbledore shrugged as he popped another lemon drop into his mouth. "Dr. Phil was booked this week."

"Both of them are nut jobs," she screeched. "I will not have anything to do with this."

"I am truly sorry Ms. Granger," interrupted Professor McGonagall. "You are the Head Girl and one of the duties of the Head Girl and Boy is two escort visiting guests around. Mr. Malfoy will be joining us in a few minutes. And Headmaster?"

"Yes," he said as he browsed a magazine that had moving women in it.

"Dr. Phil was able to move around some of his schedule and has booked us also. We now have both of them coming at the same time. They said they could not resist the chance to host a show at Hogwarts," she stated. "And I want it on the record that I was against this whole idea."

"Me too," huffed Sprout.

"Fine," Hermione grumbled. "But if I have to be there. I'm bringing Ron with me."

"Deal," said McGonagall. "Don't be late."

"Just tell me why they are coming here," Hermione asked as she walked towards the door. "I thought they were muggles."

"Both Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer are wizards of very low caliber. They do not have enough magic to actively use it like we do. Instead they use it passively to entertain muggles."

"This is going to be a disaster," she moaned.

Just then the door opened and Malfoy strode in looking like he owned the place. Taking one look at Hermione, "What's wrong? Find out that you are descended from flobberworms?"

"Keep it up and you might lose the family jewels."

Malfoy paled at the threat and moved his hands to protect the family jewels. "What is wrong with her anyway?" he said pointing towards Hermione. "PMS?"

"We just told her who is coming to Hogwarts," said Dumbledore before Hermione could erupt. "She seems to be taking it quite badly."

"Who's coming?" Draco asked. "I can't think of anybody that would garner that kind of response from her. Not even the dark lord could do this."

"It's two wizards by the name of Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil," said Dumbledore.

"Who?" Draco asked. "I have never heard of them."

"I believe that Ms. Granger could better explain them," supplied McGonagall before Dumbledore could mess it up anymore.

Draco paled even more as he listened to Granger go on about these American wizards and what they did for a living. How could the old coot allow them here? If his father was alive he would not stand for this. "Is it too late to let Potter be Head Boy? I don't think I want to be it anymore if that is what I have to do."

"The year is almost over. Besides, Mr. Potter turned down the position when it was offered to him," said McGonagall. "He wanted his last year here to be peaceful."

"I'm doomed," he moaned.

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Entrance Hall

"So who are these wizards," asked Ron. "You said something about muggle telescreens?"

"Television," she corrected. She really hoped that Ron never saw a television. They would never get him away. "They are a disgrace to wizards and muggles alike. Too bad Voldemort did not get to them before Harry killed him. He would have been doing the world a service."

"Then why am I here if they are that bad," he demanded. "They sound worse than Vo..Vol…Voldemort."

"He's dead," she said. "You can say his name now."

"I know that. It'll just take some time to get used to it," he responded with a glare. "And I'm out of here. I am not staying around to meet these guys."

"Yes you will," she said as she drew her wand. "If you move one more foot, I will vanish your clothes and bind you where you stand. Your pictures will be all over the news and your family will know all about that tattoo you have."

"You can't do that," said Ron with traces of fear in his voice. "You would ruin your reputation."

"Curse him," Draco cheered. "It's about time someone put the weasel into his place, even if it is a mudblood."

"Watch it Malfoy," she threatened as she moved her wand towards him. "You might end up in the same predicament. Think about it. Prominent pureblood disgraces family name."

"You show him whose boss," cheered Ron.

"Aufero induviae," she muttered as she pointed her wand towards Ron.

"Ha, ha…." Draco was cut off as he was hit with the same spell. Caught of balance, he fell towards Hermione and proceeded to drag her to the ground with him.

"Get your slimy hands off her," Ron yelled as he jumped on Draco, forgetting that neither of them had clothes on and they were both on top of Hermione.

Just then the door opened and in walked the film crew led by Professor McGonagall and Harry. "I don't even want to know," said Harry as he walked towards the Great Hall. "You three try to keep your affairs in private."

"But..," tried Ron.

"I said I don't want to know."

"Professor," asked Jerry. "Is it normal for your students to have an orgy in the entrance hall?"

"No," said a shocked McGonagall. "We do not condone such behaviour. Do we Ms. Granger?"

"No professor," she squeaked out.

"Mr. Weasley," she barked. "Put some clothes on and wait in my office. And please remove your hands from Ms. Granger."

"Yes professor," he said as he got up.

As he began to walk towards the office she called out, "Please get dressed before you go to my office. I rather like my chairs and do not want to burn them."

"Mr. Malfoy, you will do the same but go see Professor Snape. I will ensure that he knows what the three of you were doing."

"I think we arrived just in time," said Dr. Phil as he turned to his team. "Go set up an area for our use. I have never seen a case like this before."

"What are you going on about," demanded McGonagall. She was still a bit shocked at the previous display.

"The threesome of course," he replied. "There seems to be a love-hate relationship going on between the three. That's not healthy. We need to reconcile this issue before it gets out of hand. They will be our guests on the show."

McGonagall could feel the beginning of a headache coming on and was cursing the day Albus suggested bringing these two idiots here.

"Come on," she said with an impatient wave. "I need to get you settled in your rooms before dinner tonight."

As she walked towards the guest quarters she could here whispering behind her but could not figure out what they were saying. Though whatever it was, it did not bode well for her or the school.

"Did you get it," whispered Jerry. "That was a great opening shot for our segment."

"Yeah," the camera man replied as he patted his pocket. "I got the disk right here. It sure beats having to use a pensive to show our magical sector the shows. This little dohicky sure makes our job easier."

"Yeah," the sound guy agreed. "What muggles can come up with."

"Just keep your cameras ready at all time," Jerry said. "I got the feeling that this is going to be the show of the century. It's just too bad that we can't show it to our muggle audience."

"I can't believe you guys," said Dr. Phil. "You make money off of other people's misery."

"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black," laughed the sound guy.

"Yeah," snorted the video guy. "The polls say that people can't stand you more than us. At least the people can laugh at the misfortunes of our subjects. They just feel sorry for yours."

"Knock it off guys," snapped Jerry. "Let's just go to our rooms and get everything settled."

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Great Hall

"_This is going to be great,"_ thought Harry. _"I'm glad that book that I found in Voldemort's lair. Without it, I would never have been able to pull any of this off. It was full of great ideas. Tom seemed to keep any idea he had in that book, no matter how small and stupid. Just a suggestion potion in Dumbledore's lemon drops and a few hints here and there was all it took. The wizarding world needs to be shook up a bit."_

"You okay Harry," asked Neville. "You seem distracted."

"Yeah," replied Harry. "I was just thinking about the future. Even though I'm going to miss this place, I am sure happy to be graduating."

"I know what you mean," said Seamus. "I can't wait to get out in the world. I plan to work with the Irish Ministry."

"What are you doing after graduation?" asked Neville.

"This and that," replied Harry evasively. "I don't have any real plans yet."

"My gran is making me learn how to run the family," Neville said. "She is already looking for a wife for me. Says it's not proper for me to be unmarried."

"Sucks to be you mate," said Seamus. "Can't you just find one of your own?"

Neville nodded his head and said, "Yeah, you guys are lucky. Even though I am now the acting head of the family, she still insists that she has to pick my wife. Harry would probably be in the same boat if his father was still alive. I can not become the head until I am married."

"I thought his mother married a muggleborn?" asked Seamus.

"She was," said Harry as he chewed on his steak. "My grandparents died before they could arrange a marriage. They waited too long."

"Your..," started Neville.

Whatever he was about to say was cut off when Dumbledore stood up to make his announcements. "It is my great pleasure to announce the arrival of Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil. They will be hosting their shows in the Great Hall, though they will be traveling the castle to catch any extra footage. Without ado, I present our guests."

"Thank you," said Dr. Phil. "I am honoured to be here and hope that I can help you work through any problems that you may have. I have already seen some serious issues that need to be addressed. They will be invited as guests on the first show. I also would like you to know that as long as we are not on the show, I will aid any student in their emotional crisis. I will now turn you over to Mr. Springer. "

"Hello," he said as he moved to the podium. "And please call me Jerry. I am excited to be here and I know that we all will have a good time. I already have some excellent footage for the first show and plan to invite some of you to be guests on the show."

"Now that they have been introduced I have some wonderful news to announce. Mr. Parkinson has asked me to make this announcement in front of the entire school."

Harry knew that he had to play the part of the perfect Gryffindor forced to marry an evil Slytherin. Harry's forced his face to lose all colour and adopted a deer caught in headlights look. _"If only I could go back far enough to beat some sense into my father. What was he thinking. He could have at least left a note on what to do."_

"It is with the greatest pleasure that I announce the wedding of Mr. Harry Potter and Ms. Pansy Parkinson."

No sound. No movement. Harry could sense that all eyes had turned to him and all he wanted to do was just go on a killing spree.

"I thought your father died before he could arrange a marriage," whispered Neville.

"No," gritted Harry pretending that the engagement was causing him great pain. "I found out from the goblins about this. They were instructed to tell me once I turned 17, though I found they take great enjoyment in telling humans the bad news. Our families went to school together. Her father saved my father's life. He called in the life debt and arranged the marriage between us."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

_Flashback_

"_James," called a regal looking man with brown hair. "I need to talk."_

"_What is it Robert" sighed James. "I don't have all day. I have to be at Gringotts in an hour to arrange my will and marriage contract for my son."_

"_I think that I can help you there," Robert said. "I want to arrange the marriage of my daughter to your son."_

"_Why should I allow that? I want Harry to have someone who has a loving family."_

"_James," he started. "I would be the first to agree that my family is not as loving and caring as some are, but this is the only chance I have to give my daughter a future. My only other option is Voldemort's camp and their brain cells are almost non-existent."_

"_I don't want to force Harry to marry some girl he will hate. I am arranging it so either one can cancel the arrangement anytime before the marriage. I know you will not allow that."_

"_True," Robert said. "But I need this for my daughter. I didn't want to do this but I will if I have to."_

"_What," asked James with a growing sense of dread. He had a strong feeling that he knew what was going to happen._

"_James Potter," intoned Reese. "I Robert Parkinson call forth the life debt that is owed to me. It shall be paid back in the marriage of our two children. There shall be no side tricks to escape. Do you accept?_

"_I do," said James. _

_End flashback_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

"So you have to marry Malfoy's toy?" asked Dean looking queasy.

"Yes I have to marry her," sighed Harry. "But at least I know she is clean and a virgin."

"What did you jus say," said Lavender. "What about everything I heard about her?"

"All rumours," he said. "There is a charm that prevents her from doing anything with a guy other than me. It's on me to. That is why I always have problems with dates and they never work out. The charm will always cause something to happen."

"Silence please," Dumbledore's voice rang through the Great Hall. "Thank you. As I was saying, the marriage will take place after school is let out and I offered the use of Hogwarts for the wedding…."

"You did what," yelled Harry and Pansy and the same time. "How can you allow this?"

"Come now," he chided. "I am sure that you two will come to love each other in time."

Harry smiled, things were going just as he planned them.

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Headmaster's office

"So who will go first," asked Dumbledore as he poked at a hamster with his wand. Said hamster looked like it was about to use the wand as a chew toy.

"We agreed that Jerry will host his show first and I will follow up after him," said Dr. Phil. "That way I can try to save some relationships after he attempts to destroy them."

"Albus," interrupted McGonagall. "Are you sure about this? Playing with relationships like this. This might have consequences beyond what you can handle."

"There will not be any problems," said Dumbledore as he popped in another lemon drop. "These fine men have assured me that nothing bad will happen."

"Hmmmm," she mused unconvinced.

"Have a good day gentlemen," she said. "I have papers that I need to grade."

"Good day madam," they all chorused.

"I think I will join you," said Flitwick hoping to get far away from these people. "I have classes to prepare for."

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Hallway

"One must wonder what is going through his head," stated Flitwick.

"He is acting stranger than usual," she agreed. "If Voldemort was not dead, I would think he had something to do with this."

"I would to," he said. "What do you think about our young Mr. Potter and his future wife?"

"Something's up," she said.

"Why do you say that?"

"He was too calm," she said. "I have known of or met too many Potters in my time. They all have one thing in common."

"What's that?" he asked interested.

"When their backs are forced against a wall, things blow up. I don't think he is as against this marriage as much as he wants us to think."

"When," he asked with interest. "What blew up?"

"His great-great-great-grandfather almost leveled Gringotts when they tried to cheat him," she said. "They told him that he had to pay a large sum of money for the use of their vaults."

"But we all have to pay a vault fee," he said confused. "The higher the security, the higher the fee."

"Yes," she said. "But not all of us dig a tunnel under Gringotts and build our own vault. He argued that since he built it himself, he did not have to pay a fee. He also claimed that entire sector under the bank. They goblins claimed that they wanted to build their high-security vaults in the same place but he said that he was there first. They now deposit a monthly fee into the Potter vault for the use of that tunnel."

"Why didn't they just build around him," he asked.

"Because he dug his tunnel right in the middle of two of their tunnels," she laughed. "They found it when they went to build a connecting tunnel between the two."

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

"That is why I think he is up to something," she said. "And if I didn't know any better I would say that he was responsible for how Albus is acting."

"We'll just have to wait and see. If he is involved, I expect the ending will be marvelous."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Great Hall

"Attention," called Dumbledore. "Now that dinner is over I would like to announce that our guests have chosen those they think would best benefit from their shows. Will Mr. Ronald Weasley, Ms. Hermione Granger, Mr. Draco Malfoy, and Ms. Ginevra Weasley come to the front."

"What," shouted Hermione. "You can't expect us to be on their show. You've gone bonkers."

"I'm sure you're just overreacting," said Dumbledore with a grandfatherly smile. "It will not be that bad."

At this point Hermione was frothing at the mouth and had a mad gleam in her eyes. One that did not bode well for Dumbledore.

"I have to say we got here just in time," whispered Dr. Phil.

"I agree," replied Jerry. "You can't get material better than this. Steve, please bring them up front."

As Steve marched over to the victims, um guests, Jerry turned to Dumbledore asking him to create a small stage for them to work off of.

"Come on kids," smiled Steve. "It won't be as bad as you think. It's just entertainment."

"Like hell it won't," shrieked Hermione. "I've seen your shows on TV and can't stand how you treat people on them."

"Listen here little lady," Steve said in a low voice. "You're going up with everyone else or I will insure that your life is made very miserable."

"Hermione," said Ron. "I think we should do as the big man says. Don't antagonize him. Let's go."

"Today on the Jerry Springer Show we have a love triangle and a jealous stalker."

"We are not a love triangle," shouted Ron, Hermione, and Draco at the same time Ginny shouted that she was not a jealous stalker."

"Our young pureblood Ronald here is in love with the muggleborn Hermione who returns his affections though she hides a deep secret. She also has feelings for Ronald's arch nemesis."

"I do not have feelings for that bucket of slime," screamed Hermione. "And my relationship with Ron is private."

"We have learned through our investigations that young Draco is deeply in love with Hermione…."

"I am not," shouted Draco. "I would never touch that mudblood."

"Language Mr. Malfoy," said Professor McGonagall.

"Why isn't Potter up here," shouted Draco. "He is in a relationship with a Slytherin. That's messed up if anything is. Throw his private life around. He is used to it."

"We looked for your friend," said Jerry. "But Mr. Potter was no where to be found. Neither was Ms. Parkinson."

"Mr. Springer," called Neville. Maybe this was his chance to get out of his grans grasp.

"Call me Jerry," he interrupted. "Do you wish to ask a question?"

"Yes and no," Neville said. "I was wondering how one might get a job like yours. I find it interesting on how you are able to do what you do."

"This really isn't the time for that," said Jerry. "Maybe after the show is over."

"Please," he begged. "I just want to make something of myself."

"Sit down," snapped Snape. "And grow a backbone."

"No, no," said Jerry after some thought. "Come on down here. You can help me host parts of the show."

"Neville," gasped Hermione. "How could you? I thought we were your friends."

"I need a way out of my grans control and this is it."

"Steve," Jerry called. "Make a note. Overbearing relatives. That will make a good show."

"Back to the show now," said Jerry. "So Neville, how long have you known these three?"

"Since my first year," he said. "Though I did not really get to know them until 5th year. They tended to hang out with each other."

"Did you have a clue as to whether Mr. Malfoy was involved in a love triangle with the other two?"

"It all seems to make sense now," he said. "Draco never really bothered those two really bad if Harry was not around. All he did was taunt them. He seems to get really agitated when Harry was around them. It could be that he was afraid that they might start liking Harry more than him."

"I was not jealous," shouted Draco. "And I would not be afraid of losing someone to Potter."

"So you admit that you have feelings for these two," said Jerry.

"No," said Draco. "You think that I would go anywhere near a mudblood or a blood traitor? Never I say."

"What's wrong with Hermione," shouted Ron in anger. "She looks perfectly fine, as do I. Though she does get kind of bitchy at times."

"I do what," screeched Hermione. "You think you're so perfect? At least Draco doesn't go around acting like a pig all day. He just acts like an ass."

"Hey," shouted Draco. "I do not. Though she does have a point. You do act like a pig, but what can one expect when one grows up in a hovel."

"Take that back," yelled Ron as he swung at Draco only to be caught by Steve. "Let me go. I'm going to tear him limb from limb."

"We'll be back in a few moments after these commercials," said Jerry.

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Head Table

"I knew this was a bad idea," said McGonagall. "Look at what they are doing to the school's reputation. This can not be allowed to go on."

"I know," agreed Flitwick.

What are you looking so smug about Severus?" snapped McGonagall.

"Just the fact that you have three of your Gryffindors up there while I only have one Slytherin," he said smugly. "All you need is Potter and the show would be complete."

"Where is the boy anyway," asked Flitwick. "I don't see him or Ms. Parkinson anywhere."

"Up to no good," sneered Snape. "The boy is trouble and he is probably drawing innocent Slytherins into his schemes. I can't stand the thought of him corrupting my Slytherins."

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Unused classroom

"That was a great idea," laughed Pansy. "I couldn't have done it better myself."

"What better wedding gift than to provide amusement for my future wife," he smiled.

"Be careful Potter," she smiled back. "I might actually start liking you. This devious side makes you more appealing."

"The horror," he cried in mock fear.

"Prat," she said as she hit in the back of the head. "When does our part come in?"

"Not until that idiot Dr. Phil does his show," he replied. "I can't stand either one but there is no way in hell that I am going to go on Springer. I would rather fight Voldemort again. Besides, aren't our "friends" doing a good enough job?"

"Yeah," she said as slipped her invisibility cloak on. "Let's go watch the rest of it."

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Great Hall

"And welcome back," said Jerry. "Before the break we were attempting to figure out what exactly is going on in this love triangle."

"We are not in a love triangle," shouted three voices at once.

"The way they act so coordinated makes me wonder if they have completed some kind of bonding ritual. I have only seen twins and bonded lovers act this way," said Jerry. "To disprove any notion that they are not in a relationship, I have here video recordings of their secret meetings. I have had my crew follow these three, among others, around and observe how they act."

"You can't do that," screeched Hermione. "That's an invasion of privacy."

"Ms. Granger has met up with both of these young men on multiple occasions while we observed from a distance," he said. "I can't even begin to describe what they got up. I'll just show you instead."

The lights in the Great Hall dimmed as a projection started on the wall.

----------------------------------------------------

Recording

"_Ron," someone whispered. _

_He looked around but saw no one in sight so he thought he was hearing things. "I really need to lay off the midnight snack runs," he muttered._

"_Over here," the voice called again. "I'm in the alcove."_

"_Hermione," he called back. "Is that you?"_

"_Yes, it's me," she called impatiently. "Who else would be hiding out here at night waiting for you? Get in here."_

"_What are we doing here," he asked. _

"_We're not doing anything here. We're going to an empty classroom that I have warded for tonight. I saw you leave the common room so I followed you."_

"_Oh," Ron smiled._

"_Let's go," she grumbled as she dragged him along._

_Once they got to the classroom, Hermione locked the door and activated the wards to ensure that no one bothered them. She was glad that found this room. There was no more need to sneak to the shrieking shack. Neither one seem to notice the invisible watcher standing in the corner with a recording device. _

"_Down," she commanded. _

"_But," he said._

"_No buts," she said harshly. "Or yours will be mine. No talking unless spoken to."_

"_Why do I always have to be the submissive one," he complained. "Can't I be the dominant one this time? What would the guys say it they found out about this?"_

"_I don't care," she sneered as she smacked him. "If you don't do a good job tonight, they might find out anyway."_

"_I'll do it," he said quickly. "Just don't tell anyone."_

"_Good," she sneered. "And do a good job. Draco can't seem to get it right. I guess that comes with being the worm he is. At least you can follow through most of the time. And don't forget the rules."_

"_Yes, mis…mistress."_

"_Good. Next time don't stutter."_

"_Yes mistress."_

"_Better," she smirked. "Who knows, you might even have some fun tonight."_

End Recording

_--------------------------------------------------------------------_

"Words can not describe that," said Jerry. "When we first arrived I thought that Ms. Granger was a sweet, hardworking girl. Now I know different. It seems that she has a darker side."

Hermione could only stare at where the recording had been played and think of one thing, _"I am so dead. How will I get a job now?"_

"Ms. Granger," yelled McGonagall. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Um..um..um.." she stuttered.

"Now you can't go and interrupt the show," interjected Jerry. "What does the audience think of Ms. Granger? Has she acted like the Head Girl of a prestigious school? Or has she acted like a common tramp?"

"Tramp," shouted a member of the audience.

"Whore," shouted someone from the Slytherin table.

"Traitor," came somebody from the Gryffindor table. "How could you. He's a Slytherin."

It was like this throughout the Great Hall. Everyone jeering and throwing insults at Hermione.

"Will you admit it now," he asked. "Are you in a relationship with Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley?"

"No," she shouted in tears. "I don't know how you got those recordings but they are all lies."

"We witnessed them ourselves," he shot back.

"This has gone on long enough," shouted McGonagall. "Whether she is in a relationship with them or not is not important. You can't go around destroying lives like this."

"One might think you were involved somehow in all of this," he said with a smile. "Maybe this isn't just a threesome. Instead, it might be a foursome with a professor involved. Is that what this is all about?"

"I never," she huffed. "I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man. I have been faithful to him for over 30 years. Even if I wasn't, I would not cheat on him with a student."

"Hmmm."

"My brother would not be in a relationship with a Slytherin," Ginny cut in. She was tired of this man smearing the names of her family and friends. "Anyway, Malfoy can't stand muggleborns."

"Ah, Ginny Weasley," he said. "I almost forgot about you. Don't worry. We got some nice footage of you."

"What," she said. "I am not in a relationship at the moment."

"True," he said. "But we know what you've been up to."

She paled considerably causing her already pale skin to look translucent. She knew that if what they had got out, any hope of her landing Harry as her husband was out, let alone any boy in Hogwarts. She didn't care that he was to be married.

"We will see your tapes in a few minutes," he said. "Now to commercials."

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	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Talking"- speaking  
_"Talking"_- thoughts

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other character in this story. The plot is mine and only mine.

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Outside

"This is horrible," cried Hermione. "Everyone thinks that I am some tramp. My future is ruined."

"Everything will be okay," said Ron. "We'll find out what is going on and stop it. Once we find Harry, I'm sure all this will go away. They will not want to make their saviour mad."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that," drawled a voice from behind.

"What do you want Malfoy," said Ron as he turned around. "If people see us together they might think we are together."

"Never mind that," he waved. "Potter is the problem. I know for a fact that Dumbledore hates both of those men. My father used to say that it was one of the only things he had in common with the old man. This smells like Potter."

"Harry wouldn't do this," said Hermione. "He hates the media and he is our friend."

"I also think Parkinson is somehow involved in all this," said Malfoy. "She has not been around the common room a lot. She just disappears at random moments."

"Now that you mention it, Harry has not been in the common room either. In fact, I could go as far as stating that he has not been there one time this semester."

"I…," Hermione began.

"They were telling the truth," shouted a second year Hufflepuff girl. "You three are together."

"No..no we are not together," shouted Ron as the girl ran back inside to tell all her friends. "We are so doomed."

"Let's provide a united front," said Hermione. "If we go in together, they can't say anything."

"Are you crazy," said Draco in disbelief.

"Hello," said Ron as he waved his hand in front of her face. "Anyone in there?"

"Stop that," she growled. "If the three of us stand together, they can not crush us. We can also present a untied front when we find Harry. He won't be able to resist three of us."

"Did you hit your head or something," asked Ron.

No. Why?"

"Because that is the second time you have made a stupid suggestion," he said. "Did you forget that Harry is the one who went into Voldemort's lair? He killed the dark lord and his top death eaters without breaking a sweat. All because the dark lord ordered Nott Jr. to steal his invisibility cloak. He stormed the dark fortress over a cloak, what do you think we could do. We can not do anything that would gain his attention? Kill his bunny? Oh, that's right. He doesn't have a bunny."

"You don't have to be sarcastic about it," said Hermione.

"Maybe there's hope for you yet Weasley. A tad bit more sarcastic and it will be just right."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Great Hall

"Attention," called Dumbledore. "After talking with both our good guests, I have decided to aid the students in their problems. I can no longer sit back and allow young love to die. From now on, all couples in 7th year recognized by myself shall be roomed together."

"He's gone barmy," said Ron. "Or at least more than usual."

"I think he's smoking something," said Hermione. "He can't mean us. The three of us are not a couple."

"Furthermore," he said. "It's with great pleasure that I give Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, and Mr. Malfoy the first room."

When everyone looked at the trio, Draco had fainted and fallen into the arms of Ron. Hermione could only open and close her mouth soundlessly.

"Now that the Headmaster has made his announcements," started Jerry. "We'll be moving along to Ms. Weasley. Are you out there Ms. Weasley? Steve, find her."

"Accio Ginny Weasley," he called.

Ginny came sailing through the open doors flailing her arms as if trying to fly in the opposite direction. "No," she screamed. You can't make me."

"Calm down," said Jerry. "Now would the audience like to know why Ms. Weasley is joining us today?"

"Yes," boomed the Great Hall.

"Ms. Weasley as everyone might know is smitten with Mr. Potter. We have found out that Mr. Potter has spurned her advances, so she has taken up stalking as a hobby."

"No," she screamed. "It's not true."

"Come now," Jerry chided. "We have footage of young Mr. Potter with his future wife. We thought they might enjoy a video of themselves in school as a wedding gift. Anyway, we noticed a certain female following them. A charm has been applied to block any parts that our underage viewers should not see. If you are 17 or above, you will see the whole thing. Roll video."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Recording_

"_Harry," Pansy called as she ran to catch up with him. "Wait."_

"_Did you want something," he asked._

"_No, well yes," she said as she kissed him. "I want to tell you something. I know that I have said it before but I am sorry for how I treated you before. I always knew about the marriage. My father told me and I was always excited when he told me. I also want you to know that he looked for you. He was going to try and make you his ward. We would have grown up together but Dumbledore stopped him."_

"_That can't be what you wanted to tell me," he said. _

"_I love the sex. I couldn't live without it."_

"_Nice to know that I am good for something," he said dryly._

"_Stop that. You know that I like you for another reason."_

"_What's that?"_

"_You can cook better than any house elf we ever had," she smirked. "I've never had food as good."_

"_It's also nice to know that I rate higher than a house elf," he said. "Anyway, what did you want to tell me?"_

"_I think that we are being followed. I know that I have seen someone before and I think the"_

_It's probably Dumbledore," Harry said nonchalantly. "He knows everything in the school. Most likely wants to keep his ticket to fame safe."_

"_No, it's not him. This is a female. I can smell her perfume."_

"_Who? And how?" he asked as he looked around._

"_I don't know but it is some cheap stuff," she said. "My mother would always say that only of a lady of the night would wear it. It reeks."_

"_So," he said slowly. "We're being followed by a prostitute. That's never happened to me before. Unless you count that time that…never mind. Ah, who cares anyway."_

"_Let's give her a show," she whispered. "If she wants some gossip for the school, we'll give it to her."_

"_Let's go down into the lower dungeons," said Harry louder. "There's never anybody down there, it's only used for storage."_

"_Let's," she chirped almost too happily._

"_You know," he started. "When you start acting that way, it scares me."_

"_That's good," she smiled. "I need to keep you on your toes."_

_-------------------_

_Edited out for possible content warning. Go to where it says read and review my stories/ or my homepage to read the un-edited version._

_----------------------------_

_Harry's point of view _

"_That was intense," breathed Pansy as she tasted some of the chocolate. "We got to do that more often."_

"_I agree," he replied as he popped the last cherry in his mouth. "You think our guest saw all of that?"_

"_I hope so," she smirked. "Maybe now they will no that you are mine."_

"_I doubt it," he said. "I'm never that lucky. With my luck, everyone will probably be after me more know."_

"_Let them come," she said. "I've got some new spells I want to try out."_

"_If you ever need any money to buy more magazines for ideas, let me know. That was a great one."_

_End Recording_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Great Hall

"Well," Jerry said with a smile. "Want to deny being a stalker now?"

"No," she said. "I am not …"

She was interrupted when the projector was destroyed by a blast of blue light. "I personally don't care what you do with that tramp, but videos of my private life are not for the eyes of others," said Harry with a maniacal grin. "I'm afraid that your time here at Hogwarts is over."

"What," Jerry said with wide eyes. "You can't do anything. I have my rights."

"Aufero induviae," Harry muttered. He watched as everyone began laughing when they noticed Jerry had no clothes on. "This is great material. I am sure your viewers will love it."

"My clothes," Jerry stuttered. "What did you do with them? And my wand?"

"Yes, they are gone," he said as he turned away in disgust. "And please leave. If I see you without clothes anymore, I might have to resurrect Bellatrix so she can torture me into insanity. "

"But.."

"Leave," Harry bellowed.

Jerry took one look at Harry and took off in the direction of the door, his crew behind him.

"What wand was he talking about," asked Pansy. "I couldn't see one."

"That was fun," Harry laughed. "When does that Phil dude start?"

"I'm not to sure about this anymore," Dr. Phil said. "I think that I may have an appointment."

"Nonsense," Harry said. "Start your show. I'm pretty sure that it will be over before you know it."

----------------------------------------

Teachers lounge

"Minerva," Flitwick called. "What do you make of all this? Mr. Potter does not seem to be the type to be an exhibitionist."

"No," she said as she blushed when she thought back to the recording. "I think he had planned only on Miss. Weasley being there. He probably planned to shock her and it back fired"

"Are you blushing," smirked Flitwick. "You do know that he is way too young for you."

"I'm human," she huffed. "I can think, can't I. It's not everyday that you see something like that."

"Ha, ha, ha, ha. All you have to do is ask Sprout for her collection of magazines. A couple were delivered to me by mistake."

"As amusing as your crush on the boy wonder is," Snape sneered from the door. "We might have a problem."

Startled, McGonagall replied, "What problem? We already suspect that Mr. Potter is up to something."

"Not Potter," he growled. "He is involved somehow, but he is not the reason. Albus is under a spell, I think."

"Impossible," said McGonagall. "We would have noticed it."

"Not so," Snape replied. "How else can you explain those two being here."

"Albus has always been a little touched in the head," she said. "I just figured it was another one of his little quirks."

"Could Mr. Potter be involved in it," asked Flitwick.

"Potter is involved somehow," Snape sneered. "But he does not have the brains to think this up. Nor the subtlety to pull it off alone. He is a pawn in another player's game."

"Don't forget he was the one who killed the dark lord," warned Flitwick. "That was no was no easy task."

"The boy admitted it himself," yelled Snape. "He went in with no plan. Just blasting away as usual. That's not a plan."

"Maybe that was his plan," Flitwick shot back. "Destroy everything in site and kill anybody that got in his way. There was not much left of the bodies when the teams were going through the ruins looking for survivors."

"The day that boy is anything other than a Gryffindor is the day that I become part of that little love triangle Weasley has going on."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Great Hall

"Welcome," called Dr. Phil as he made his way onto the stage. "Welcome to another show. Today our show is being shot on location at Hogwarts and we have a special guest for you all."

"Harry Potter, defeater of the Dark Lord, winner of Witch Weekly's Hottest Wizard, and the last man standing at the Massacre of the Dark Fortress. Here he is."

The professors watched as Harry made his way onto stage and took a chair far away from Dr. Phil. The students, minus most of the Slytherins, were cheering wildly.

"Today we are discussing Mr. Potter's friends and how we can help them. He has asked that we bring them onto the show and help them work their problems out. Come on down Mr. Weasley, Ms. Granger, Mr. Malfoy, and Miss. Weasley. I also have asked Neville to be my co-host. He will be assisting me in this session."

"I'm not one of his friends," called an enraged Malfoy. "And I refuse to get on that stage."

"Shut up and get up here," whispered Dr. Phil as he looked at Harry with fear in eyes. "Accio Malfoy."

Due to his low power level, Draco came flying unsteadily from the Slytherin table to land in a chair next to Hermione which brought great amusement to many Gryffindors.

"Mr. Potter," started Dr. Phil. "What exactly is the problem that you want my help with?"

"Well," he started. "At first it was help my two friends finally stop fighting but now that it has come out that they are with Malfoy, well… I want the three of them to be happy together."

"You're a dead man," whispered Draco.

"Ignoring him, he continued on. "I also wish for Ginny to realize that we can never be together. I never thought of her as anything more than my friend's sister. How can I live with someone when there entire family can't stand it when I give them gifts? They all think of it as charity. And she kind of freaks me out. She looks like a boy."

"Harry, don't do this," cried Ginny. "We can work it out. I can apply charms to look better. That slut will only break your heart.

"We will start with the stalker," announced Dr. Phil quickly. He was not sure who he was more scared of, Potter or the stalker.

"I am not a stalker," yelled Ginny.

"Ms. Weasley, you do realize that Mr. Potter will be married shortly?

"He'll come to his senses once the potion he is under wears off."

"I am not under a potion," Harry declared. "I have had the necessary tests done to prove that I am not under a potion or spell."

"We have the results right here and they prove that he is not," said Neville. "What exactly are you thinking of when you look at Mr. Potter?

"Love," she said. "I love him."

"Hmm. I don't think so," he said. "How do you see yourself living in a few years?"

"In Potter Manor with Harry. We will be going to all the balls and I will be wearing the best gowns."

"I think you are in love with the idea of his money more than him."

"I am not. I love him."

"Mr. Potter," he began. How do you see yourself in a few years?"

"Not living in Potter Manor," he said as he looked at Ginny. "I will stay there every so often, but Pansy and I will be living in a small castle in Ireland. It's smaller than the manor and more private. We will be attending some balls, but only the holiday balls."

"So you see yourself living a life of relative peace and quiet compared to the life in the spotlight that Ms. Weasley wants?"

"Yes."

"Do you wish to add any more," he asked Ginny.

"Yes," she cried. "I love you and nothing that Bitch can do will keep you from me."

"Dr. Phil," Harry said. "I think that Ginny is suffering from some type of mental illness and would benefit a long stay in the tender care of a mental institution where they can attempt to cure her. What do you think?"

"I would have to agree with your diagnosis. I can give her family the name of a good institution after the show," he answered. "Ms. Weasley, could you step off the stage now? We have to get to our other guests now."

"No," she cried. "He's mine."

Some stage hands quickly grabbed her and drug her off stage to someplace where she could not bother the show.

"Ms. Granger," he began. "When we first came here we thought we would be helping you in your relationship with Mr. Weasley. We have now come to find out that you are in a relationship with Mr. Malfoy also. What do you have to say about that?"

"I am not in a relationship with him," she yelled in frustration. "He insults me all day long."

"Still in denial I see. I am sure we can help you work it out."

"Hermione," Ron began. "Do you really love him also? If so, we can work something out. A schedule of sorts. That way the two of us would not have to see each other."

Hermione's left eye suddenly developed a tick. "What," she whispered.

It was taking everything Harry had not to burst out laughing at what was happening. This was better than Prime Time.

"I've been reading those books you told me to read," Ron said. "You know, the ones about how I should care more about others feelings. They started making sense. When I first heard about Malfoy and you, well I was kind of mad. Then I thought back to those books and knew that if you wanted us both, I could live with that. We can have a large house where you spend half the time on one side with me and the other half with him."

The tick just became more pronounced. "Of all the times that you have to start listening to me. Of all the times that you start reading a book," she screamed. "Why now?"

"What," he said as he scratched his head in confusion. "I thought you would be happy. I even found us a place to live. It's large enough for us all."

"You're dead," she screeched as she jumped on Ron.

Harry and everyone else was gobsmacked that Hermione was attacking Ron. "Malfoy, you know that I would have never suspected that she had it in her to attack."

"I agree," he smirked. "It sure is funny though…"

He was interrupted as a gasp came from the professors and laughter came from the students. Looking over at the couple, he saw what had happened. When Ron fell from the impact of Hermione hitting him, he had grabbed anything he could to keep from falling. That anything happened to be Hermione's shirt. When he fell he tore the right side of her shirt exposing her breast.

"I thought she was a prude," said Draco. "I would have never thought that she did not wear a bra."

"Me too," agreed Harry as he clutched his side laughing. "She must have been using a charm instead of a bra."

"Potter," began Draco as he was still looking at Hermione. "You wouldn't kill me if I agreed with that crazy man, would you?"

"What do you mean," he asked while keeping his eyes on the fight. This was too good to be true. It was better than he had planned. "Is there a reason that I should kill you?"

"No," he hastily said. "You wouldn't kill me if I agreed that I was in a relationship with Granger? She's hot and I do need to ensure that the Malfoy line goes on."

"Even thought she is muggleborn?"

"She may not be pure, but she has brains and power," Draco replied. "Our kids will be powerful."

"Sure," Harry shrugged. "Though if you hurt her, I'll have to kill you".

"Thanks, I think."

"No pro…"

He was interrupted when Ron decided to take up singing lessons, in soprano. Hermione, still not noticing her torn shirt, had kicked Ron right in the family jewels.

"Ouch," Harry and Draco said in unison.

"That had to hurt," commented Harry.

"They seem to defy gravity," said Draco as he cocked his head sideways.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Headmaster's Office

"Albus," yelled McGonagall. "Now that those two are out of here, you have to listen to reason. You are most likely under a spell. How else can you explain letting them come here?"

"It was all in good fun," he smiled. "I assure you that I am just fine. There is no spell."

"Allow me to check you," insisted Snape.

"If I allow you to check me, will it calm you down?"

"Yes," they all chorused.

"Fine," he grumbled.

Snape's face paled to an unnatural colour as he read the results of his scan. "He's under a spell and if I am reading this right our golden boy is responsible."

"What," said McGonagall. "It can't be."

"I knew it," squeaked Flitwick. "That boy is just like his mother."

"We can finally expel the brat," said Snape. "I can't believe it. This is the happiest day of my life."

"I hate to tell you this," said Flitwick. "But we can't expel him."

"What," yelled Snape as he tripped over his feet and fell.

"Exams are already over," Flitwick smiled. "All that's left is graduation."

"No."

"I am afraid so," smirked McGonagall. "He is untouchable. Severus, could you remove the spells?"

"Sure," he grumbled as he cast the spell.

"What's going on," asked Dumbledore. "Last thing I remember is looking for my candy. They took my entire stash."

"Call Mr. Potter," said McGonagall. "Let's figure out what he was planning."

"I believe he is with Ms. Parkinson at the moment," said Flitwick. "I passed them on my way up here. They were laughing about this whole affair and some bet they had."

------------------------

A little while later

"I believe we only asked for Mr. Potter," sneered Snape. "We do not require your presence Ms. Parkinson."

"She stays," Harry said.

"Fine," interrupted McGonagall before her colleague could but in,

"Mr. Potter, what did you hope to accomplish with your little stunt," asked McGonagall.

"The intended results were pleasing, but I loved the bonus."

"Answer the question," snarled Snape. "I may not be able to expel you but I can make your life a living hell."

"Temper," chided Pansy. "You might have a stroke."

"Why you…"

"Shut up," said Harry. "I intended for Ron and Hermione to turn their attention away from me. I did not need Ron insulting Pansy nor did I need Hermione trying to over analyze my relationship. That whole Draco thing was just a bonus."

"But the Headmaster…"

"The Headmaster is fine," he cut her off. "Now that is taken care of, I wish to formally invite you all to my wedding. Even you Snape."

"That's Professor Snape."

"Thank you," Flitwick said excitedly. "We will all be there."

The End

I may go back and write a small sequel detailing the lives of everyone in their relationships later. But for now, I am going back to work on my other stories.


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